Let them yearn….let them Blossom

I have a little garden, which I tend to very lovingly; I had a rose plant which had a couple of roses when I bought it and then I waited and waited but no more blooms. I started doubting my gardening skills wondering if I am doing everything right. I did water the plants religiously without missing a day and clipped the branches, added manure at regular intervals and so on. But nothing….

Then one day my dad visits us and sees me watering the plants every day. He tells me that I need to occasionally water the plants on alternate days allowing the roots dry a bit. (At this point of time I have to tell you that he was born with a green thumb, as they say). Needless to say, I reacted with an exaggerated horror on my face. What good is letting the plant dry going to do, except may be kill it? I did know that overwatering potted plants can damage the roots, but letting roots dry a bit was kind-a news to me.

Then it so happened that I couldn’t water the plants for a day as I was out of town and to my surprise, nothing adverse happened to my plants as I expected. They are resilient that way. So this just prompted me to act on my dad’s advice and thought of watering the rose plant on alternate days and see how it goes. Now, the rose plant which didn’t bear a flower for months together under my expert care sprouted five buds all at once and started blooming gloriously in just a week or so since I started the new routine. What do you know!!!! May be this is coincidence or just what the plant needed…No one will ever know.

But I got a wonderful insight from this; a completely radical perspective and I am sure all parents out there will agree…. Somehow the first thing that came to my mind after this occurrence was “children”. Children are just like the rose plant; They sure need love and care and all necessities  in life but…and it’s a big BUT, they need it in the right amount to blossom into well-rounded human beings. Anything in excess, even smothering them with too much of your attention to make their life comfortable and too much of amenities, can hinder their growth and incapacitate them to blossom to their fullest potential. We helicopter parents are doing just that, I think. 

The logic behind the rose plant mystery is quite simple. Firstly, when constantly watered, roots of the plant won’t be able to breathe and start rotting and secondly, roots need to go in search of water; that’s their purpose and that’s how they grow.  Similarly, kids need to learn to yearn for various things at various times; if everything is given in a platter even before they ask for it or as soon as they ask for, then they don’t learn to stretch their roots.  Just like the rose plant…

The wander girls - My first All women trip

In one of my previous posts “Breaking the invisible barrier”, I had mentioned about this trip. This is in continuation with that, a part II series of that post, if I may say so. Though I had decided to join the all women trip with my friends and colleagues, the weeks leading up to it were filled with anxious moments and riddled with a continuous supply of ‘what ifs’ and ‘buts’.  I tried not to think about the D-day and went about my work which kept me busy as hell - report cards, promotion meeting, handing over, syllabus meetings and so on, with the academic year coming to an end.

My good friend was one of the trip organizers and she didn’t leave a stone unturned to make me feel comfortable about the trip. A briefing about the trip was done with all the members and an itinerary planned meticulously with every minute detail, of where we would eat to what to wear (what’s a women’s meeting without a discussion on dress code) and everything else under the sun was discussed. Now that did put me slightly at ease, if not completely.

There was a minor hiccup though when I shared the itinerary with my beloved hubby. Now he and my daughter were the ones who encouraged me to take up this trip, so he was enthusiastically going through every little detail, when he paused at one particular point. It was the travel timing for Bangalore to Udupi; It was mentioned that we were to start our travel to Udupi from Bangalore at …ahem….11 pm and reach there early morning.

This started a small but serious discussion on “Is it necessary for ladies to travel at that hour?” “Couldn’t you plan your travel during day time?” Now let’s not jump and start a new convo on “why can’t women travel alone at night?” because that’s not the point. His concerns were genuine; what if there is a breakdown of the vehicle or a medical emergency or….. Anybody can face such situations and it was a perfectly reasonable argument, I would say. Not to mention the state of women’s safety, in our country especially.

So, my anxiety, which had taken a backseat temporarily, had started looking at me hopefully for a comeback and delightfully moved back in, to stay with me, taking a permanent residence. 

When I shared my concerns with my group, they immediately pooh-poohed  it and comforted me that a well acquainted guide would be accompanying us who had made all the arrangements (even a back-up vehicle… just in case) and  not to mention a well-known driver who had accompanied them in several previous trips. Now if this wouldn’t put someone at ease, what would.  

Still, from the time I left my home, my apprehensive husband’s worried look haunted me. But the minute I hopped into the cab that was waiting to take us to the train station, my worries seemed to slowly melt away, as waiting inside for me were my carefree, overjoyed travel buddies’, whose enthusiasm was infectious.

There started our adventurous trip, with a great deal of travelling through the city scape, deserted highways, sometimes crossing forests and mountainous terrains in the middle of the night. The home-stay experience, the trekking to sunset point, kayaking, riding in an open jeep through the beautiful hilly scenic route; the passers-by shouting encouragingly at us (secretly wondering what’s up with them), feeling like a kid again, not a care in the world, feeling free, with the wind blowing on our faces and… for once not having to worry about kids, home or work.  But nothing could compare to the experience of travelling with an enthusiastic bunch of strong-minded and kind women. We were a wonderful mix of vivacious, spirited and timid ones. We had a great time bonding and knowing each other.

It was a wonderful trip which taught me a little independence, as they say, experience is the best teacher and travelling is one such experience. Most of all it was liberating to be a part of an all women group, managing everything on our own and knowing that a man’s presence is not necessary to feel secure.

If you are wondering what is this post doing in a parenting site….think again. Kids don’t learn from what we say but from what we do. We have to lead by example. If you want to teach your kids to be independent and happy, you can’t do it by just saying it and not doing anything even remotely independent yourself.

And another plus to this kind of outing is you and your family actually realise how much you miss each other and that leads to a greater bonding than you could achieve by being always there. For me, this was a first of its kind and I am sure there are more to follow. 

Breaking the invisible barrier

 I would like to think I had a much shielded childhood. No… I wasn’t pampered. Just that even simple tasks like going to a bank, post office or doing anything outside the four walls of my house was always taken care of by my mom, dad or anyone other than me.  And no, my family isn’t one of those extremely conservative or highly orthodox ones who don’t allow their daughters to leave the house.  They are very open- minded and always wanted me to be more independent but maybe it was my nature or my temperament because of which I always resisted such activities.

Then, I got married and my wonderful husband too let me blissfully be unaware of any outside tasks and took care of all the banking, bill payments and every other paper work involved in any household.  Even my cell phone gets recharged miraculously without having to worry about. And coming to travelling alone, it is something I fear the most and never had to do it. Travelling by public transport by myself is like going on “fear factor” challenge for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I am your typical 21^st century woman who believes in women empowerment and exerts her freedom by deciding what she wants to do.  And with an extremely supportive and encouraging family, I have nothing stopping me from doing what I want to, but the thought of doing any of the above mentioned things independently gives me the jitters.

Recently my friend proposed that I join her group in an exclusive women’s trip to a neighbouring city. I can’t even think of going to any place alone by myself in the city I have lived for more than 8 years, let alone out of city. So, I told her precisely that and backed off.

During a casual chat a few days later, I was telling my family about this all women trip and everyone especially my daughter told me that I must go on that trip, enjoy with my friends, do something just for myself and stop being such a ‘fraidy cat….(that’s how she put it).

I dismissed the idea right away with a “What nonsense….me and travelling without my family, that too out of town…No Way”. But my daughter’s words got me thinking… Am I just living a life within a self-imposed boundary and afraid to step out of my comfort zone? If yes, then how long am I going to live in some baseless fear of doing things on my own?  Most importantly, what kind of an example am I setting for my daughter? 

Then I made the most uncomfortable decision. I decided to go on that exclusive women’s trip after all. No one can help me get over my inhibitions but me. I need to take the first step towards overcoming my fears… one step at a time. I need to break the invisible barrier stopping me from living without fear. Conquering one fear at a time….

My kiddo's birthday...and wait a sec... mine too!!!

I am frantically getting geared up for my son’s birthday which happens to be in a couple of days. The friends list, snack menu, cake to be ordered, party decorations, inviting friends and relatives and of course the gift shopping extravaganza….uff…wonderful as it sounds, it sure is tiresome. But what’s a little hustle and bustle for your kid’s special day, isn’t it?

Now, when I think about the special day, isn’t it a special day for us moms too? It is, after all, a rebirth of sorts for mothers too. While we get all caught up with our child’s birthday celebration and all, I think it’s also an important time to celebrate our rebirth too with the same joy and verve.

Just rewind….the day of your child’s birth, what a crucial and eventful day!!!  You would have been a nervous wreck since the moment you realised it was the D-day, not to mention rushing to the hospital, the agonising pain and the subsequent tears of joy. The anxious husband who was worried sick for the both of you and of course your parents, in-laws and any other support system you had, would have heaved a sigh of relief. Such a momentous event, not just for your baby but for you too…

Somehow I had not given this a serious thought till now….For one, it didn’t occur to me and two, it sounds selfish to hog the limelight of my kids special day; the selfless mothers that we are, it certainly feels that way. But I have decided to celebrate the event of my rebirth along with my kids from now on (better late than never). Yes, though not with so much of fanfare but quietly, thinking about the day and whatever I had undergone (because I am sure not everyone has a rosy tale to share about their labour); and the miracle that took place at the end of it all and what an out-of-the-body experience that was and feel a sense of great accomplishment and pride and more importantly, to remind myself that if I was able to endure that, then I am much stronger than I think I am. We all are….That’s reason enough for me to celebrate. I would, may be dress up a little and just have a smile on my face while I finish up with the party arrangements. 

Because, it’s as much, my birthday too…. 

Quality time Vs. Quantity time

It’s a term we modern parents have invented to justify the amount of time we spend with our kids. I for one don’t agree with the notion that kids need just quality time. I feel kids need quantity and a large quantity of your time. Just being there in the same room while you shell the peas and your little one colours or does his homework may not sound like quality time to some but it’s very important nonetheless…. You need not necessarily bond with your child all the time but your presence itself is soothing and reassuring for kids.

The conversations that happen when you are busy watering the plants with your little one at toe or cooking while your kid plays around with the utensils, pretending to be a chef himself, are all wonderful moments of quantity or might I say quality time spent with your kids. Even watching TV together versus plopped in front of TV alone, has a vast difference. Watching TV with kids and talking about the characters and discussing what’s happening on screen could be far more enriching than just staring at the screen by yourself.

And when it comes to the tweens and teens, it is this quantity time that sees them through, believe me, because you never know when they would feel like opening up and want to talk to you about something. As parents we all know that you can never have a heartfelt conversation with your child by saying “Let’s talk” or “tell me what happened in school today”. No….it doesn’t work that way at all. It’s when you are doing some mundane task or reminiscing about your own childhood while folding the bedding or changing the pillow covers, when that kind of heart- to-heart conversation happens. And for that to happen, we have to be around more often.  You cannot schedule these moments, it happens when you give a lot of face to face time.

Having said that, I also want to say that not every one of us has the luxury of time; we don’t know what the other person is going through to make ends meet or what their journey is all about; Every parent is trying his or her best to provide the best childhood for their kids, so there is no right or wrong way to do it. But, for those lucky, some of us, who have the luxury of time, I would say quality time is great, but don’t undermine quantity time…..it too does wonders for your kid. It is not hogging the limelight as its counterpart “quality time” but it is silently playing a very vital role in building your kids’ sense of security and outlook towards life in general.  

Woman in me wants to choose...

All the talk about women empowerment is great. I am all for it. Is it just my observation or is it that rebellion is born out of restrictions?  You could see that in kids very often. Only after you prohibit them from doing something, will the urge to do it, becomes much stronger. Left alone they wouldn’t have wanted to do that in the first place. Similarly only in households where women have too many restrictions, do they have the urge to break it or rebel against it.

I was never made to feel that I shouldn’t or couldn’t do something which is probably why I never felt the need to prove anything to anyone.  If you see in the recent past, during our grandmothers’ time, they had way too many restrictions which led to the next generation i.e. our mothers to start exploring options outside the home front… If you say women can’t do this, they would prove you otherwise by excelling in it. So many women  have broken the barriers and made their presence felt in all the fields which they were told, “were not meant for them”,  be it engineering,  astro-physics, research or anything else under the sun, that was thought to be a man’s area of expertise.

But if you watch closely this trend is slowly taking an interesting turn. Many highly accomplished women are choosing to stay home and take care of their family after they have kids, as that is far more gratifying, than some…technically challenging job any day. Once they prove their mettle, they feel at ease to choose what they actually would like to do with their life at that point, rather than be stuck-up doing something that’s not worth their time. 

Do you think this is regression? No, not at all…This is happening Now, more than ever before, only and only because women have made their mark globally and they are choosing what they want to do as opposed to what they were told to do. So, whether they want to stay home and take care of the family or continue to excel in their chosen field of work, they are the ones taking that decision. It is not forced on them; it is their decision to do what they wish to do. Now, that’s real empowerment.

Let’s imagine a hypothetical situation where we all lived in an idealistic society, where anyone irrespective of their gender is free to choose what they want to do, without any judgements;  I am sure people will definitely migrate towards what’s more important to them, their true interests and what they do best, instead of trying to prove a point to the world, what they are capable of. 

Wouldn’t that be just great!!!

The reading room

It was always my dream to have a small library at home. With all the travelling we had to do, being married to a software engineer, there was never a place we would stay at for more than a couple of years. With my husband’s numerous “on-site” projects which took us to the US, we never quite settled anywhere for almost fifteen years of our married life. Over the years, I had collected more than five hundred books on varying topics from fiction to cooking, decorating, designing, self-improvement, parenting, autobiographies, management and what not. And as kids happened along the way, my collection grew in leaps and bounds as kids literature got added to it in good measure.

As expected my kids grew up to be bookworms too. While most kids wish to be taken to a mall or a movie on weekends, my kids would only wish to be taken to the nearby library. We all spend a few happy hours in the library, each blissfully engrossed in books of their choice; biding good-bye to the library is one the of the toughest things to do! (And it so happened that many a times I had to literally drag them out kicking and screaming!!!)

Inculcating the reading habit is very vital to a child's development. It helps children imagine and explore and stretch their creativity. It not only helps build vocabulary and grammar but also enhances their understanding of nuances such as satire and poetic expressions which cannot be taught. Children imbibe these along with the moral values imparted indirectly without even realizing it. 

As the kids grew, we finally decided to settle down, owing to their educational needs and that’s when my life-long dream of owning a library came to be a reality. The apartment we zeroed-in on had a tiny spare room to be used as a servant room or a study and almost immediately I knew what I wanted  do with that room. No prizes for guessing correctly!!! I got to work with the room’s layout and I put my heart and soul into designing my little library. My kids were thrilled with the idea too. Together we came up with a beautiful, cozy little library. And today it’s one of the most often used rooms in our house.